I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
