happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
