Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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