she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
