Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
