Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
