Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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