You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
