I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
