is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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