He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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