My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
