no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's shark week go big or go home
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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