what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
