I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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