Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
