i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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