My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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