everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
