apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
