Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm both gender and math confused
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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