My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
