Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
