mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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