dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
