mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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