It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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