Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
