You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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