I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
