I just threw up on my dentist
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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