I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
