i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
