Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
