Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
