My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
