Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
