The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
