Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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