Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
