never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
