Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
