I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
