we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's rum buckets o'clock
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
