Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
