seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
