There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
