Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
