My hair reeks of homosexuality.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
