Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
