It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
