you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
