i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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